Fictional Bandits
by ypput
Summary: One shot - There wasn't a great deal of getting around the fact that Merlin had just knocked the Crowned Prince of Camelot unconscious - When Arthur came round 'not happy' was likely to be somewhat of an understatement...


**"Fictional Bandits"**

_One shot - There wasn't a great deal of getting around the fact that Merlin had just knocked the Crowned Prince of Camelot unconscious - When Arthur came round 'not happy' was likely to be somewhat of an understatement and all that rage would be directed at Merlin. Unless... Merlin was seized by a sudden surge of inspiration._

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin or any of the characters, but fan fic is fun, so I write about them!**

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><p>Merlin tensed hearing a crackle of breaking twigs in the trees behind him. Bandits. It was always bandits, or giant boars, or magical monsters with sharp fangs and a taste for blood - Particularly his blood. Why, oh why, did it feel like the entire world was conspiring to snuff him out? For that matter why was he even out here?<p>

Every time Arthur and the knights went on patrol Merlin told them he didn't want to come, and yet each and every single time he found himself on patrol with them anyway. Why he couldn't quite fathom; what was the point? He couldn't use a sword, he didn't have any armor; all he had was a scruffy jacket and his neckerchief - How was he meant to defend himself with that? - If it wasn't for his magic he would have been consumed or impaled, or possibly even both, years ago. At this precise moment in time, on Arthur's instructions, he had been sent to 'scout ahead', which Merlin interpreted as 'go be bait'. Oh what's that bandit chasing? Don't worry it's only Merlin.

Another rustle. Then silence. Casually, Merlin leaned sideways, grasping the end of a gnarled branch that was laying on the forest floor, half buried in leaves. What ever it was behind him, he didn't want to let it know he knew it was there and loose the element of surprise. He just had to act normal, unhurried, like he was just collecting firewood... Just a few twigs for his fire... Nothing strange about that...

There was another rustle. Merlin swallowed, clutching his length of branch tighter and flicking his eyes from side to side, checking it wasn't skirting round him, or worse that there was more than one whatever-it-was creeping up on him.

_SNAP!_

It was right behind him.

Screwing his eyes shut to help gather his courage he twirled round, brandishing his branch like at club and struck out blindly, feeling, and hearing, a satisfying clunk as it made contact with something solid. There was a grunt and a thud as it toppled over, then silence.

Cracking open his eyes Merlin peered down at the whatever-it-was he had just defeated, feeling pretty darned chuffed that he had just successfully defended himself in potentially dangerous situation with out recourse to magic. Gaius would pretty darn proud when he told him about... Ah. Or maybe not... To his immense surprise, actually, horror was a better word, he knew exactly what the whatever-it-was was, or rather who it was. Oh, this wasn't good.

Merlin looked from Arthur, laying stone cold unconscious on the ground, to the branch in his hands and back again, then promptly dropped the branch and took a couple of steps back. He quickly glanced round, looking for the knights; Leon, Gwaine, Elyan, Percival and Lancelot, who were on patrol with them. None of them were in sight. Wait... So no one had seen that then...?

"Arthur?" Merlin said, tentatively poking the Prince with his toe. Arthur groaned slightly and twitched - Oh good, not dead then, Merlin had been worried about that for a moment. The irony, if after all the trouble he went to protecting Arthur, he had managed to take him out himself, by accident, with a just a lump of wood... Maybe Arthur would see the funny side? Kinda unlikely... There wasn't a great deal of getting around the fact that Merlin had just knocked the Crowned Prince of Camelot unconscious - When Arthur came round 'not happy' was likely to be somewhat of an understatement and all that rage would be directed at Merlin. _Unless_... Merlin was seized by a sudden surge of inspiration.

"Arthur! Look out!" Merlin yelled in a perfectly staged voice, then paused flicking his eyes round the shrubbery to see if anyone had heard and was coming towards them. " Oh no! Bandits!" Merlin cried theatrically, trying a new approach. Still nothing. "Help!" Merlin decided he needed to sound a little more frantic if he really wanted to get any attention. "HELP!" Immediately there was a shouted response and the sound of someone crashing through the thick undergrowth towards them.

"What happened?" Leon, the first to arrive demanded breathlessly, crouching by Arthur's side, though he kept his eyes roving around the trees, alert to any threats.

"Bandits, came out of nowhere," Merlin said, trying to look shocked; like someone who's just had a nasty run in with a bunch of unkempt forest men might.

"How many?" Leon asked, his brow furrowing.

"Oh," Merlin said, waving a hand as if that were an answer; then seeing Leon still staring at him, hastily continued, "Oh - Er... Four, maybe five?" The intonation of his voice made it sound more like a question than an answer - Hopefully Leon wouldn't notice. He didn't. At that moment Elyan arrived, Percival and Lancelot close on his heels.

Lancelot swept one glance round the small clearing, taking in everything, then lowered his guard, letting his sword hang by his side as he and Elyan paced forwards towards Leon, and Arthur's unconscious form. He shot Merlin a 'what on earth happened here?' look, but didn't actually say anything to him. Percival, being Percival, didn't comment either, but stood quietly a couple of feet away having appointed himself sentry while the others tried to prod Arthur to life.

"Looks like he was hit in the head with something," Elyan said perplexed, as he examined Arthur, in particular the large lump that was sprouting on his forehead.

"They had clubs," Merlin said, hastily stepping between the knights and the branch the hide it from view.

"Where did they go?" Leon asked, having got to his feet now, and began pacing the clearing looking for tracks.

"They ran off," Merlin supplied, a little lamely, earning his a couple of glances from Elyan and Leon that could only be described as a mix between curious and suspicious.

"They might be gathering reinforcements," Lancelot said, breaking into the conversation to save Merlin any more questions - He was right to suspect Merlin's involvement, but it wasn't quite the involvement Lancelot thought it was, just this once no magic was even involved.

"Where's Gwaine?" Elyan asked then, turning to Percival, "I thought he was with you?"

"Haven't seen him," Percival replied succinctly.

"Do you think he ran into the bandits?" Leon asked, suddenly looking worried. "We should look for him." Elyan nodded briskly in agreement.

"I'm sure he's fine," Merlin said a little too quickly, but he was fairly certain that even in his deepest state of of inebriation, Gwaine could fight off a hoard of fictional bandits.

"He is fine!" Gwaine announced, strolling unhurriedly out of the bracken, as always looking like he had just walked in from a portrait sitting, flawlessly turned out without even a smudge of dirt on him. "Arthur having a nap?" Gwaine asked, though he didn't seem overly concerned.

"Bandits," Merlin, Lancelot, Leon, Elyan and Gwaine all said in unison - Percival, being Percival, nodded.

"You don't say?" Gwaine said, joining the group peering down at Arthur. "Come on Sleeping Beauty, wake up," Gwaine said, slapping Arthur's face none too gently - No one tried to stop him however. Arthur groaned and fluttered his eyes, blinking up at the faces looking down at him, smiled slightly, then suddenly seemed to realize something and sat bolt upright.

"What happened?" Arthur demanded, his fingers going to the lump on his forehead.

"Bandits," Merlin, Lancelot, Leon, Elyan all said in unison again - Percival, being Percival, grunted.

"What they said," Gwaine agreed.

"Bandits," Arthur repeated slowly, his eyes finding Merlin's.

"Four or five of them," Merlin said in a small voice, taking a step backwards, ready to dodge any projectiles that might come his way, his foot catching on the branch making him stumble slightly. Arthur looked from Merlin, to the branch and back again - If looks could kill...

"With clubs?" Arthur asked dryly.

"Yes," Leon said, his brow furrowing again, "I'm sorry to report they escaped, Sire."

"Did they?" Arthur said, getting unsteadily to his feet, clutching the nearest tree for support, his eyes not leaving Merlin's - Merlin attempted to look innocent; mostly failed.

"And what were you doing while these bandits attacked, Merlin?" Arthur asked, his face devoid of all expression save mild curiosity, which Merlin found slightly unnerving.

"Engaging in evasive maneuvers?" Merlin said, or rather asked Arthur, trying to patch together a 'official version' of the story that didn't involve Merlin and a lump of wood. If Merlin wanted to survive Arthur's wrath then no one could ever find out about this; not a soul. Not ever.

"Oh, so you ran off?" Arthur interpreted dourly, though he seemed to brighten a little, catching on to the idea of an 'official version' of the truth and played along.

"Merlin isn't a knight," Lancelot quickly came to Merlin's defense, "You can't expect him to fight armed men." Arthur glanced at Lancelot, his eyebrows creeping together slightly, suggesting he didn't quite agree. "I mean look at him," Lancelot added gesturing at Merlin who went from looking smug, to looking offended by the sudden condemnation of his physical prowess. Well thanks for that Lancelot, thanks a bunch.

"You have a point," Arthur agreed - Making Merlin look even more appalled and turn beseechingly to Gwaine for some back up.

"He does have a point," Gwaine shrugged, unhelpfully, earning a stony faced glare from Merlin.

"So you didn't see the bandits who attacked me?" Arthur pressed, wanting clarify the point that, in this 'official version' of events, Merlin had been absolutely no where near him, so couldn't possibly have had anything to do with his getting knocked unconscious. Getting beaten up by Merlin, _Merlin_ of all people; he would never live it down.

"Only in the distance?" Merlin guessed was the answer Arthur was looking for, "Because... I ran away?"

"Glad that's cleared up," Gwaine interrupted, getting bored of the conversation, "Shall we get a move on, Ladies? I can hear a Tavern calling my name."

"I can't hear anything," Leon said, looking slightly perplexed.

"It's a saying," Gwaine said with exasperation, looking round the group for someone to back him up on this - Merlin looked pointedly in the opposite direction, which seemed fair after Gwaine's lack of help a minute ago. "How have you never heard that before?" Gwaine insisted, while everyone else exchanged skeptical looks.

"Your right, lets go," Lancelot interrupted abruptly, cutting the conversation off and taking charge, just as Leon opened his mouth to respond. "Merlin, you help Arthur," Lancelot instructed.

"He looks fine to me," Merlin said hastily as Arthur staggered past him and stumbled into a clump of bushes.

"We need to be as far from here as possible before those bandits return," Lancelot said tightening his sword belt.

"The walk would probably do him good," Merlin suggested, a little too hopefully to be convincing, while taking a small backwards step as Arthur fumbled his way out the shrubs.

"If those bandits come back I don't want you to have _spell _it out to them," Lancelot hissed, meaningfully widening his eyes and jerking his chin at Arthur and the other surrounding knights to reinforce his point. Merlin opened his mouth to argue, momentarily considering confessing the whole 'fictional bandit' situation to Lancelot; after all he knew about the magic - By comparison this was mild... Not that Arthur would see it that way of course.

"Right..." Merlin agreed in the end, releasing a slight sigh as he tracked Arthur's unsteady progress between the trees - The other knights also stood back watching, quite content to let their illustrious leader blunder from object to object without offering any form of assistance - The novelty of watching him unsuccessfully navigate even the slightest undulation while trying to remain dignified didn't wear off quickly. At least they didn't know the truth - If word got out the Prince had been beaten up by his own servant he would loose all credibility amongst his men... And Arthur would be furious, so furious he was likely to do something rash. Killing his servant for example, that would be extremely rash - Thus the need for Merlin to keep the whole thing under wraps - Which actually seemed to be going quite well so far, all things considered. The fictional bandits were a stroke of genius.

"Come on Arthur," Merlin said tentatively, approaching Arthur in the same way you might a horse that was liable to bite, one hand raised, slightly crouched, ready to run if things turned nasty - The knights continued to just watch.

"I don't need any help!" Arthur snapped as Merlin's hand wavered towards his shoulder, "I can managed just fine on my own, thank you!" Arthur announced, and promptly toppled sideways. Merlin helped him up while the knights, excluding Lancelot, barely concealed snickers of laughter, thankfully Arthur was to preoccupied with being difficult to notice them.

"This is your fault!" Arthur hissed at Merlin, though he did accept Merlin's hand to help him back to his feet. The show apparently over the Knights looked suitably disappointed and started to amble away in a loose formation. Lancelot took the lead flanked by Leon and Elyan, Merlin and Arthur stumbled along behind, with Gwaine and Percival stationed several paces further back.

"How is this my fault?" Merlin wanted to know, when he was certain they were out of earshot of the others.

"You hit me!" Arthur said incredulously, his voice rising several octaves, "in the head, with a lump of wood!"

"Oh yeah," Merlin said, as if he'd only just remembered that interesting fact. "Don't creep up behind people then."

"I thought you'd scream like a girl, not turn around hit me!"

"So you _were_ sneaking up behind me on purpose!"

"No! Well... Yes - Was _supposed_ to be funny."

"Could've killed you," Merlin said seriously, staring pointedly ahead and shaking his head slightly.

"Pffft," Arthur snorted, "It was a lucky shot I'll grant you - But _you_ Merlin? A savage killer, I don't think so somehow. You couldn't fight off a hat."

"I'm sorry what was that? Elyan wants to hear how I beat you unconscious with a branch?"

"You dare..."

"Oh I would like a day off, that's very thoughtful of you, Sire."

"Merlin, if anyone ever find out about this, I mean _ever_, I will make your life a living hell." Arthur promised, his voice turning bleak.

"Understood, Sire," Merlin said resignedly.

"Good," Arthur said primly, feeling the topic was now permanently closed, and pushed himself away from Merlin, taking several unsteady steps on his own, "I think I can manage _alone_ from here."

Merlin didn't disagreed but stood back and watched Arthur go, wincing as he became entangled in a bramble hedge, but he knew better than to get involved. A Prince's ego was a delicate thing. At least Merlin had been forgiven, in a manner of speaking anyway, and Arthur wasn't going to kill him after all and had, all things considered, actually taken it pretty well... As well as was to be expected anyway. No one else knew, and so long as no one else ever found out things would be fine. Absolutely fine - Arthur wouldn't kill him.

Gwaine and Percival caught up to him - Percival just strode past him, sword hitched on his shoulder, eyes forward, steps mechanical - Gwaine however paused by Merlin's side.

"Knew Arthur creeping up behind you would be funny," Gwaine whispered slapping Merlin on the back and tipping him a wink. "Saw the _whole_ thing. Bloody brilliant! Make a great story for the Tavern!"

Merlin blanched - Arthur was going to kill him.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading - Hope you enjoyed it - Please review! :D<strong>


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